Loving Your Body After Miscarriage

This is a hard topic. Encouraging a woman that has lost her child to love her body again: Impossible, almost. I can’t say that I’m there yet either but I’m fighting hard to see the beauty in my body again, as difficult as it may be. I could write a novel about all the horrific things women physically and mentally go through after miscarriage or stillbirth and how tough it is to look at your body with grace. This short and sweet post is just the beginning. I feel compelled to share my miscarriage journey with you. I can’t go through what I went through and remain mute. Asa and Armie meant too much to me to do that.

I owe this voice to them and to the women all around the world that suffer in silence every.single.day.

◊◊◊

I COULD look at my new curves and only see the pain I endured. I COULD look at my body in a harsh light, thinking that it failed to give life to my precious boys. I COULD look at my weight gain and think it was all for nothing. Instead I’ve learned to look at my mommy curves and see beauty. I look at this body that endured SO MUCH in the last couple of months and smile. I delivered two BEAUTIFUL little boys that no, I didn’t get to keep on this earth but I get to keep in my heart. I’m thankful for that short amount of time that my womb provided for my babies. I really am.

After the delivery, my milk came in. This was by far one of the most difficult things that I experienced through my miscarriage. My breasts were supposed to feed my babies. I was so excited for this part of motherhood and there I was, completely engorged with no babies to feed. The physical pain didn’t even compare to the emotional agony that this put me through. No one told me how difficult this part would be. My body thought that there was a baby in my life to feed and there wasn’t.

Some women choose to pump because it makes them feel connected to their heavenly babies. I completely understand that. I chose to wait it out and just suffer through it so that my breasts would feel normal again sooner without having to continuously pump. It took about two weeks for the swelling to come down but even now, a month later, I still leak. My doctor said that I’ll probably continue to leak for awhile, even through my next pregnancy because my hormones are still very much active after miscarriage. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want this leaking to end because it’s a reminder that I am a mommy and I once had life in my womb. It’s a silly thing to confess, I know, but you would be surprised how many women want to express this but don’t. It’s completely normal.

Let’s talk body image. We all know the sacrifice that women make to carry and deliver their babies but what some people don’t know is the sacrifice AND torment that women go through after a miscarriage. We gain all this weight for a baby and when the baby doesn’t live, we’re stuck looking at our thicker bodies in the mirror completely missing our child while also feeling nothing like ourselves. This combo is difficult to explain and impossible to forget. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for over a week. I was so angry at myself and even angrier at my body. I blamed myself. I still don’t understand why I had to lose my boys but one thing I know for sure is that it was not my fault. It was NOT your fault. Please repeat this over and over to yourself. “It was not my fault. It was not my fault.” Sooner or later you will begin to believe it. Feed your mind and and mask your thoughts in positivity. You will heal faster and stronger when you take care of your mind, body and soul. We may never know what really happened to our babies. This is something that’s hard to swallow, I know. But please trust me when I say that Jesus has my babies and the rest of the world’s unborn babies wrapped safe and sound in his arms.

It’s not every day that I hold my strength. I’ll admit that there are moments I’m so bitter towards my body. Why couldn’t it work like it was supposed to? I sometimes DO look at my stomach, my breasts and everything else that doesn’t look the same as it did and think “Failure” and “It was all for nothing.” It’s so easy to give up on yourself isn’t it? It’s easy to see yourself as less worthy, less important and less loved after miscarriage. I’m here to tell you that you ARE worthy, you ARE important and you ARE loved.

You ARE a mother. 

Take your time. There is no rush, whatsoever, to feel normal again. Grieve for as long you need to. Be mad at your body, its therapeutic, but don’t forget to give your body a little credit too.

One other piece of advice I’d love to share through my miscarriage is this:

DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE. No matter how far along you were when you miscarried, whether it was 5 weeks or 39 weeks, your voice matters, your hurt MATTERS. Speak your mind and give away your pain, please.

God Bless you my sweet mommies.

Learn to love YOU again.

©Karissa Marie

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8 thoughts on “Loving Your Body After Miscarriage

  1. My Heart aches for you and your pain, Yet Im so overjoyed and thankful for how this horrible time is shaping and changing you into the woman of Faith that God has intended you to be. You are wise, wonderful and beautiful Karissa, Your boys are proud of their mommy!

  2. Sweet girl. It pains me so much to see you go through the same as I did. I’m actually not sure of your age but I was barely 20. Spreading the word is so important. No one should suffer in silence. You’re right the milk coming in was one of the worst things. I felt everything you’re feeling. You’re handling this with such grace and sensitivity. I’m proud of you. 😘❤️ Praying

    Ashley

    Meadowsandreeds.com

  3. Larissa,

    You are amazing. God is using you so much because He can trust you. I am praying for you, my precious friend, I love you and Wyatt.

    Alita

  4. Beautifully written post. I’m terribly sorry for your losses and marvel at the strength and dignity you’re displaying. I love that you’re touching on this sensitive topic. I’ve had a miscarriage too (though a much earlier one than you) and I hope your words give comfort to someone who needs it.

  5. I am so sorry for your loss. I had a loss at when the baby was 8 weeks. I remember how betrayed I felt by my body, and how I felt it difficult to look at it. I commend you on your ability to be so strong and encourage women to love themselves. I know it helps others out there know there’s someone who understands.

  6. Pingback: Pink Lemonade | Karissa Marie

  7. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, just know that God will take care of your precious baby boys. Praying for you and your husband.

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