I’ve had that Taylor Swift song stuck in my head all day. You know, the one where she sings “Someday, I’ll be living in a big ‘ole city and all you’re ever gonna be is mean.” Sometimes song lyrics bring such comfort to me on days where I feel so small. Just a heads up, I feel like venting and I don’t have anyone to vent to at the moment so here I am typing my little heart out hoping that someone out there understands the way that I feel.
Here we go.
People are mean.
I could stop it right there but I’m sure you would like a little more explanation as to why you’re not getting a typical fashion post in your inbox today. Well, I currently have a raging headache from crying so hard because I’m just so darn sick of being treated poorly. I’m sure so much of you can relate to being beaten down emotionally and girl, it’s tough. I get it.
Let’s back track a little bit shall we? I mentioned very briefly in a previous post that I was bullied in school. I think all those times that I was shoved and kicked to the ground, literally and more than once I might add, has made me so much more vulnerable. I won’t get into my deep dark past of being emotionally and physically bullied in school but I’ll just say that the bullying doesn’t stop there. It’s everyday. It’s between strangers, co-workers, friends and family. I wish I could say that the rude words and actions and feeling completely defeated and small stops after high school but it doesn’t and that’s what I had expected when I graduated. I’m an adult and the moment I even get a vibe that someone is upset with me or when someone is being rude to me, it immediately takes me back to all those times I was bullied in school and I just lose it. LOSE IT. I would love to think that going through a lot of abuse while I was younger has made me stronger but I think my brain and heart developed differently.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a problem with “taking things too personally.” Carrying a whopping 10 pound heart comes with a lot of responsibility. Lots of tears and lots of heartbreak. Even the smallest things will make me cry. I don’t really want to say that it’s because I’m sensitive, (I secretly hate that word) but I think it’s because ever since I was a little girl I’ve been put down. I will not name any names but someone in my family, who is very close to me, has emotionally abused me my entire life. They’ve questioned my intelligence, my work ethic, my life goals…and well to make it short, me. They’ve constantly expressed that what I’m doing and who I am isn’t enough. I’m literally tearing up just typing this because it still bothers me that I can’t be all that this person wants me to be, even today, and it bothers me that even though I’ve grown up and moved away from this person, I still get emotionally abused from other people on a daily basis. I’m so sick of it. I’ve, unfortunately, have taken things to a new level and started medication for my depression and anxiety. I’m know a lot of it has to do with just being born this way and losing a family member but I think the rest of it is because I started to believe all those things that my bully’s had told me. Their little twisted words are stuck in my brain forever. (On the bright side, I’m a lot happier since I started the mediation. Haters gonna hate but my medication will fix that. HA!)
A revelation that I had today, and my point to writing this, is that I will NOT apologize to anyone for having a big heart or for being so “sensitive.” (Gag) I won’t change for anyone, not even for a family member. If I feel like I need to cry, I will. If I feel like shutting people out that have had hurt me, I will. If I feel like taking things too personally, I will. If I feel like typing up a blog post, I will. I am me. I am enough. I love me. Your rude thoughts and actions towards me may break my heart, yes, but they won’t entirely break me. Your hurtful words may ruin the moment but after a good cry and a good nap, they won’t ruin my day. The world would be such a wonderful place to live in if people just realized that their thoughts and actions have true consequences. From little smirks, to mean words, to ruining someones day, you have such an effect on other people, more than you might know. I challenge every single one of you to think before you speak, apologize if you’ve wronged someone and continue to walk with love.
The world and the girl typing up this blog post could use a little bit of that.
People are mean and that’s just not nice.
Stay updated with me and my blog. Follow me here ↓