Hello, it’s me. Happy (almost) New Year. So, 2013 was a beautiful heartbreak for me, I’ve had enough and I’m ready to begin 2014 with an open heart. Let’s wrap things up, shall we? Everyone has their own meaning to the new year this year. Everyone sets their own goals, their own standards and everyone has a list that they want to check off and be completed by the end of 2014. Would you like to know what’s on my list?
- To achieve happiness.
That’s it. You’re probably thinking… um ok? Well, let me explain. What is happiness to me? Happiness is something that I’ve struggled with my whole life. I can smile. I can laugh and I’ve been happy before but achieving happiness is something completely different. I want that “ discovering who I am” happiness. I want that “ believing anything is possible” happiness. I want that “ go to church and feel something” happiness. I want that “ I wish I were Carrie Bradshaw” happiness. I want that “ Look in the mirror and like myself” happiness. You see, I don’t want a whole a lot of money. I don’t want fancy things. I don’t want a life like Kim Kardashian. (JK, I love her.) Those things are nice but they’re not what makes me happy. What I’m looking for is within myself. Buried beneath my demons, buried beneath my fear. Somewhere inside of me is the happiness that I’ve been searching for my entire life.
Here’s a good start: I’ve learned to love the not-so-pretty stuff about myself. I’ve learned to accept that I can’t do certain things, like driving or eating sushi. (Gross) I’ve learned that the loss of my brother has taken a huge chunk of my heart and that I’ll spend my entire life searching for that missing piece. I know someday I’ll be me again. Maybe not today, maybe not in 2014 but someday, I promise. I promise that I will believe in myself again. I promise I will let go of my demons and my fears. I promise that, even though I am lost without with my brother and my dog, I will find the strength inside of me to move past that depression and anxiety and live. I will live because that’s what my brother would want me to do.
My happiness is here, I just have to find it. Not my mom, not my boyfriend, not even Harry Styles can find that happiness for me. I have to do it myself.
Countdown begins. 3…2…1
P.s. J.J, 2014 is for you. I love you.