When you’re 20, the only questions you get asked are- “Are you going to school?” “What are you going to school for?” “Whats your dream job?” “What the hell are you gonna do with your life?”
My answer to all those questions….”Um…..”
I would like to think that I have a plan for my life. But I’ve thought that before and it didn’t really work out the way I wanted it to. I’m one of those people that knows EXACTLY what they want. My only problem is I don’t know how to get there. I don’t lack in the dream department, that’s for sure, but I do lack in the confidence department. I don’t think I’m good enough…which is crap because I come to my blog and I tell all of you, constantly, to have confidence, pick your head up, and know that you’re beautiful. But ironically enough, it’s hard for me to do those things. I’m working on it, working on it daily. I always think that I made a big mistake by not finishing college. I went for a year and half but left because I failed my last semester after I found out about my brother’s death. I would never use the death of J.J. as a crutch, but it took a lot out of me, it still does, so the thought of going to math class and keeping myself together sounded way too difficult. The MAIN reason I moved to Denver was to get away from that heartbreak and do a little soul searching. I’m working two jobs and no, I’m not going to school. Not right now at least. I’ve needed time to breathe and keep my mind busy or I WILL fall apart. When the time is right I’ll go back to school. But in the meantime I would like to not feel constantly guilty for missing out on all those college memories. That wasn’t part of God’s plan for me, even though I won’t understand why the things in my life have happened, I have to believe that I’ll be okay. I have to believe there’s a bigger plan.
Its hard some days to believe that though. I’m sitting here in my apartment where the lease is over in 2 months. I have no where to go after Decemeber. I won’t go back home to NM but I also have nothing keeping me here in Denver. It’s been hard for Wyatt and I to make friends and we’re going no where in the jobs that we have now. I’m a little lost and to be honest, I’m almost to another breaking point because I really don’t know what to do. I wish there was some sort of a sign that I’m going to have a successful future because at this point…I see nothing. Totally don’t meant to sound depressing. I’m really just typing out loud here. Let’s be more positive shall we? Here are my dreams and my goals for the next 5 years.
1) Find a city (or country) that Wyatt and I both fall in love with.
2) Go to fashion school. (New York or London)
3) Work for a fashion magazine.
4)Have my family be proud of me.
I mean, I would absolutely love to write/style/assist/direct/photograph for a fashion magazine. I honestly envy Carrie Bradshaw’s life. (Don’t we all?) I would love to have her life, minus all of the sex of course. Instead of Sex and The City my column would be called “Lipstick and The City.” Oh! I can see it now! *Empire State of Mind by Jay Z playing in the background*
I think I can do it. Don’t know how, don’t know when but I won’t be happy until I cross these things off of my list. If there’s one thing that’s pushing me through this dark time it’s my brothers voice in my head. If he believes in me, I have nothing to worry about.
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